Remembering the Simple Things

There are some days where I believe that my brain is literally melting. All manner of intelligence and the ability to think logically or rationally just oozes from my ears. The culprit? Whining. Whining is my kryptonite. It does me in every time. It turns me from the calm, sensible and problem solving mother into a raging, scary mom-beast. I try so hard to disengage. To elevate myself above it and be the adult, you know…the parent.

Sure, I can handle a bit of whining but not at the levels that my dear Garrett is able to summon from his larynx. Those who have seen the worst of his whining usually comment, “Wow, he sure is cute when he’s not whining.”

I agree.

During the summer, however, I began to make some observations. The first “aha” moment came during our first camping trip of the summer. There was no whining. I chalked it up to the fact that there was so much for him to “do” and “watch” and that we were finally out of our cramped apartment. The next time I saw him that happy was at a family trip to the bay while the tide was out. He was so happy and content sitting in the sand, getting dirty and wet and enjoying everything there is to enjoy about the beach. There were many more park and outdoor experiences like that throughout the summer.

I’m not sure why it didn’t really click until this weekend. It’s rather obvious and simple. My son needs the outdoors. It isn’t something he wants or should have a chance to “do” every now and then. It is something he needs. This realization brought me back to the book I began reading at the beginning of spring but had to put down because of the kids illnesses and is now loaned out to my mother-in-law. I can’t wait to begin reading it again.

It is called, Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children From Nature-Deficit Disorder and it was written by Richard Louv. He touches upon things I have known intuitively for most of my life and that is the importance of children being outdoors. And not just in a fake, community planned, structured and supervised “outdoor space” but really being let loose in unadulterated nature. To do whatever their hearts drive them to do. Alone.

I grew up this way and I believe it benefited my in innumerable ways. We were allowed to run loose in a place called Sudden Valley in Washington State. We roamed the woods and followed creeks. We climbed trees and dug holes. We walked for miles every day.  Sometimes there was no “we” and it was just “me” and I loved that too.

This weekend we took our kids to a local elementary school playground to kill time after going to the farmers market. They got bored with the playground after a few minutes and the big kids noticed Garrett and I looking for some sticks under some big oak trees. They came over to see what we were doing. I showed them the acorns and how the tops came off and how they looked like little hats or even little bowls when you took off the stems. We decided to collect them so Camden could use them as bowls for her doll house and because we thought that we could paint little people out of the acorns. We spent time dissecting the acorns and peeling back the shells to inspect the nuts. Mike even cut one of the nuts in half for the girls to feel and smell. We were able to hear and see the acorns falling from the tree. I’m not sure what else we really did but we spent over an hour playing under the oak trees having a lot of fun. Including Garrett. He ran around with his sticks, rocks and dirt and enjoyed every minute of it without letting out one whiny peep.

In the house Garrett runs around creating one destruction after another, most likely out of sheer boredom. He dislikes toys for the most part and tires of them quickly. He clings to me because really, he has nothing better to do. Realizing that what Garrett needs is unfettered access to the outdoors is a bit frustrating as we  currently live in an apartment complex with no fenced in area to let him loose in. I realize I need to “plan” our outings to give him access to the outdoors and that is frustrating in its own way. So now my goal is to come up with a feasible way to get my kids  outdoors on a regular basis yet still find time to get the normal household tasks accomplished.

But back to my original point. I think in our parenting world today there are so many theories and ideas and “things” that we are supposed to be doing to our kids in order to help them grow up and become the people we hope they will be. Sometimes it can seem complicated and overwhelming and just downright frustrating. My big “aha” this weekend is that doing the simple and most basic things often reap the biggest rewards.

I could have spent countless hours researching, reading and attempting to implement parenting “tools” to curb Garrett’s whining and redirect his behavior to something more desirable. In the end I would probably be left with a lot of lost hours, some lost dollars and a kid that was still whiny. Instead I have realized that Garrett is bored. He doesn’t need more open ended toys or more “one-on-one” time. He needs to be outdoors. He needs to be doing real tangible things with the freedom to roam safely.

It’s so simple yet so powerful. It’s also comforting. With the economy being the way that it is there are many families that are struggling. My own husband has been out of work since April. I have found myself occasionally lost in worry over providing my children with this or that item or experience. I have sometimes felt bad about not being able to afford ballet or pre-school or toys for Christmas. Then there are weekends such as this that provide me with the comfort that sometimes simple is really better. Even if our children had absolutely no toys or belongings besides the clothes on their backs they would go on finding away to enjoy childhood and everything that childhood is about. It doesn’t need to be manufactured.

Playing with Knives

I haven’t had a chance to keep up with blogs until the last few days or so. It has been good catching up and reading what people have been up to. One of my favorite blogs/websites is called Free Range Kids, which is also the subject of a new book which I will be buying shortly:

Free-Range Kids: Giving Our Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts with Worry

The excerpt below is from the Free Range Kids blog.

Link to this topic HERE.

Mini Free-Range Outrage Involving a Kitchen Utensil

Posted on September 22, 2009 by lskenazy

Hi Folks — This just in from a town outside of Georgia. (That’s the American Georgia, for all our international readers!) A “Webelo Scout” is a youngster on the cusp between Cub and Boy Scout.

My son is Webelo scout and earned his whittling chit last year.  This year I volunteered at the district day camp and led the Bear den.  When it came time for the boys to earn their whittling chit, the instructor showed them all the proper ways to handle the knife and then — he handed them each a potato peeler!

It was pathetic.  So all of the boys who were there earned the whittling chit without ever once touching a pocket knife.  I am so glad my son earned his the old fashioned way!  We are also lucky to belong to a pack that believes in Free-Range scouts!  If you can find a pack or troop like this, then scouting can be a great experience!

Agreed. And I can’t even imagine how hard it would be to whittle with a potato peeler. It’s like knitting with a fork. – Lenore

As for me, Garrett will definitely learn how to use a knife. So will my daughter. In fact, they both will own pocket knives. Cami all ready has a sling shot and loves it!

Here is a link to a post I wrote on this topic awhile back:

Where have all the children gone?

One Handed Feats

Me with Garrett (blonde) and Emeth’s son, Zuri

The following are things (many of them unpleasant or dangerous) that I now know are possible to do with only one hand. The other hand, of course, is busy holding a baby. Feel free to add your own one handed feats in the comments.

P.S. If you don’t own one all ready slings, wraps and backpack style carriers like Ergo’s are heaven-sent. My little guy just wants up and down constantly so sometimes it’s easier just to hold him.

The List

-Wash and chop potatoes.

-Use the bathroom.

-Wipe older child’s bottom while holding younger one at an unnatural angle so as to prevent younger one from pulling older ones hair.

-Wash my hands with soap and water. You’ve got to switch hips and wash them one at a time.

-Put things in and out of the oven.

-Wash, dry, fold and put away laundry.

-Pre-wash and load and empty the dishwasher. I’ve also done this while on the phone AND holding a baby. I don’t recommend. It leaves a kink in your neck.

-vacuum.

-Throw up. Not that throwing up is ever pleasant but to do so while holding a child is even more so.

-Clean the bathroom.

-Eat within 3 bites any meal that I would care to partake of while simultaneously defending my meal from my child.

-Sign receipts or any other nonsense. At least most of the women are thoughtful enough to hold the paper still for you so that the signature is more than garbledygook.

-Lock the front door with keys. For us this is tough because you have to pull the handle while simultaneously turning the key.

-Carry as many as six grocery bags plus three books under your arm up a flight of stairs. Ok, I cheated on this one. Two grocery bags were in my hand that was carrying the baby but I’m still pretty impressed with this one.

-Put my hair up in a pony tail. This is a lot harder than it sounds.

-Drive. I admit it. I have driven with Garrett on my lap (through a parking lot).

-Type an email/blog post or Facebook entry using my cat like reflexes to thwart unwanted additions.

-Sleep. Everyone should try this one, it’s worth it.

-Brush my teeth.

-Blowdry my hair.

-Shop and push the shopping cart.

-Shower. This is hard and precarious.

-Prepared countless breakfasts/lunches/dinners.

-Push an empty stroller. Oh, the irony.

-Console an older sibling, who erupts into further crying while younger child (once again) pulls hair.

-Take pictures. Retake the picture. Clean lens. Retake the picture.

-Try to balance in the squatting position. Fall over and attempt again.

-Put on shoes while standing. Like above, fall over and attempt again.

-Mail packages

-And my personal favorite? Cut your own fingernails.

Humbled

I wrote this post a few days ago for another blog I am a guest on but thought it would be appropriate to post it here.

Once upon a time there was a mom who thought she was “all that”. She read lots of stuff and had lots of theories and had a cute little baby girl that was so perfect. This mom raised this perfect little girl and was quite pleased with the results. There was no need to baby proof the house, they could eat at any restaurant without embarrassment, the little girl never hit or bit or screeched like other children did. She said her pleases and thank-you’s and when there was a problem it could be solved with calm dialogue.

Then age 3 and 4 happened and that pristine beautiful world began to drip a little bit. There was some yelling, some intense tantrums, some back talk. Bruised ego mom went back to the drawing board and read more books and “presto” everything was back to perfect (sort of).

And along came a bouncing baby boy and the whole world came crashing down…

I went to dinner today with a friend and her daughter at an Italian restaurant in Fairhaven (a yuppy, snooty type of town). I have no idea what I was thinking. Since we have been tight on money we haven’t been to real restaurants lately and it didn’t even occur to me that I should be concerned.

Oh, the horror. If you ever want to be humbled in life at your parenting skills please take my son to a sit down restaurant. Please, I beg you. He was everything I was horrified at when viewing little kids at restaurants before I was a parent and even while I was a parent to just Camden. I take back any judgmental thought I’ve had towards other parents and their children in restaurants.

He screeched at the top of his lungs, threw food, pulled a glass of ice-water down that cascaded all over the table and onto the floor, banged a fork on the table which resulted in me yanking the fork from his hand only to be met with the loudest scream I have ever heard erupt from the mouth of something so adorable which caused embarrassed me to flick him on the mouth (which I’ve never done and is so NOT me) which resulted in an additional scream and kicking legs. I managed to eat a few bites of my portabella mushroom alfredo before conceding and taking him outside. Outside I was able to chase him around and try to keep him from dashing out into the street, which of course resulted in more screeching. He did that cool limp body trick every time I tried to pick him up. My dear hearted friend came outside to take over when she was done so I could go eat my meal. That lasted all of 2 bites. He would have none of it. He wailed at the top of his lungs for me and so my meal was then boxed up and I took it to go. In irony of all irony’s several elderly (and obviously deaf) individuals came out of the restaurant and commented about his preciousness and how amazingly adorable he is. Then a nice lady came out and commented about how cute he was until he then made another mad dash for the street which resulted in me (for the hundredth time) snatching him up which (of course) was met with more screeching. Her comment, “well you know it’s always the tough ones that are the smartest.” Which I felt like sarcastically retorting, “How can I dumb him down a bit?”

On the walk down to get Gelato my friend laughed the whole way about Garrett. She has been in major baby fever mode and admitted that going to a restaurant with Garrett put it in perspective for her. I offered her the privilege of babysitting my son whenever the baby fever struck her. We both marveled at how the same basic parenting approach to two different children could produce such different results and recognized that sometimes what we take credit for (in regards to children’s behavior) has very little to do with us. Sure we can do some basic things to increase the outcome of the behavior we desire but in the end they have free agency to do as they please.

I now find myself baby proofing every possible nook and cranny of our house. Our toilet paper never gets to be on the roll anymore. We can never find the remotes or the cordless phone because he steals them and hides them. He eats every possible fuzz, crumb and choking hazard in the house and frankly I just don’t care anymore, I’ve learned he spits it out. He bites, hits, pulls hair, screams, breaks things and thinks the word “no” is the funniest word he has ever heard. All of this and only 13 months old.

Now, I must add that he really is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen (ok, maybe only in the top ten) and his sweet kisses and hugs melt my heart, he keeps me laughing all day and he really is a smart little guy. He is good natured despite his brute and stubborn will.

But this post isn’t about Garrett, this post is about me. It is about the misconceptions I held about parenting and the false assumptions I made about what was mine and what wasn’t. You can own every parenting theory book in the world (I think I almost do) and you can apply the best of the best methods but in the end the result isn’t necessarily yours. The relationship between parent and child is just that, a relationship. It goes both ways. Just because your child behaves doesn’t mean it is a direct result of your prowess as a mother and just because your child misbehaves doesn’t mean that you don’t have a clue about what you’re doing (even though that is how I feel right now). In fact, defining what “misbehavior” is, is a debatable subject in and of itself. Raising Garrett has been an amazing way to humble me right down to the core of my being. Not only with his behavior but with the health issues and ongoing allergies that he struggles with. I’ve had to learn to let go of the outcome a little bit and to stop parenting out of fear that he’s going to run loose with a bunch of gang bangers when he’s a teenager and trust that he’ll come around by example. I’ve had to force myself to see that actions and the example I set are more important than trying to conform my children to my will.

It doesn’t mean I’m going to passively sit back and let him turn into a wild banshee but it does mean that I’m going to be that red faced mother when you hear that ear piercing screech.

Getting Back In the Saddle

I’ve been hesitant to start blogging again. I suppose there are various reasons for that.

For a long time it was because the children were having so many health issues, thankfully that has all settled and despite Garrett having lingering food allergies I have better learned to cope with them. Camden seems to be doing just fine. But wow, talk about a rough year.

We had an excellent summer and with fall coming I am trying to switch gears. I have been putting more thought into our home life and into the type of educational dynamic that I’d like for the kids to have in our home. I’ve made a more concerted effort to set up our home and our daily activities to allow for a more rich exposure to learning. We plan on “homeschooling” our children all though my intent is not to have a “now it is time to sit down at the kitchen table and have school kids” type of homeschooling. I’m not entirely sure how it’s going to go yet (Camden is only 4, after all) but I do know that for now we are exploring life based on her interests with me exposing her to all sorts of things. I have really enjoyed reading the original Hans Christian Andersen fairytales to her. We are doing all sorts of other things too. Right now Camden is into learning about snakes and so we have several books checked out from the library. Her favorite are boa constrictors. She finds snakes fascinating which is interesting for a little girl who is all about princesses and feelings. LOL.

I have also been working on getting back in touch with myself. I realized that over the last several years that I have been neglecting myself, not only physically but in other ways as well. I basically always put myself last and I realized that really wasn’t helping anyone. So now I am working on a Jessica overhaul, which is nice for a change. I’ve started doing something I never would have imagined myself doing. I’ve started…….RUNNING! Insane, yes. I never, ever would have imagined myself as a “runner” but I guess it is so. I’ve been running for a little over a month now and am so pleased with the results. I feel better, look better, am losing weight, my metabolism is improving, etc. My goal is to start doing some races next spring. Crazy. Crazy. I joined a “biggest loser” contest to keep myself motivated and that ends in November. So far I have lost 12 pound! :) I also got a hair cut recently which I’ve desperately been needing. I absolutely love it and have wanted it this short for a long time but dread the prep work that it takes to blow dry and straighten it but I decided it was worth it. My next goal is spiritual and I am working on preparing myself for a temple recommend which is very exciting for me.

I really want to thank everyone for being so patient with me about the blog. I am excited to begin blogging again and hope to do so regularly. The health blog is probably going to stay inactive as there really isn’t much to post on there anymore. If I get motivated enough I will post about what happened in Seattle. Basically nothing. We went in for lots of appointments, Garrett had an endoscopy which came back inconclusive. He had mild inflammation but  not enough to diagnose him with anything. We are supposed to go back if he gets worse. I am working on using enzyme therapy with him to help combat the allergies. More on that another time. :)

There aren’t many pictures of me on this blog because I’m always the one taking pictures. Here is a picture of me with my new haircut. Not a very good quality picture since I took it in the mirror with a flash, but oh well.