I Need You to Know That I Loved You.

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I need you to know, more than anything else, that I loved you.

I was so scared. I have never known fear as great as the day I found out that you would be coming to this world. But I loved you. So much. I still love you and I will always miss you.

There were so many things I wondered, worried and agonized over. Almost every waking moment, and many of my sleeping ones, I ran over every possible scenario that I could think of. How much of that did you feel? How much of my stress caused you harm? Could you feel my love too?

Never have two little pink lines been so terrifying. I am so sorry that there were no tears of joy and squeals of laughter. All babies should be welcomed that way. You weren’t any less beautiful, miraculous, or amazing. I was so angry when I realized I was pregnant. Not at you, or because of you, but I was angry at how it could be possible for a responsibility and a privilege so great to be given to someone like me, who had no way of providing, protecting or loving you the way that you deserved. The way every beautiful, precious, miracle of a baby deserves.

Your amazing beating heart flickered there on the screen for me. It was weak and you were small but you were fighting. You lived, if only briefly. I wanted not to worry. I wanted to be joyful but instead there was just gut wrenching fear.

How do I explain who your father is? What he is? Where he is? What he did? How do I conceal that you even exist to protect you? The world is small and eventually he would have found out…how do you trust a broken governmental system to protect the most vulnerable among us? How could I provide for you? How could I walk away from you every day to leave you in daycare? How would I afford daycare? How do I face each day, being the mom you need, stretched too thin, with no financial resources? How do I deserve you? How will it feel for you to watch your siblings leave to go see their father and you won’t have one to go to? What will you say? How will I explain it?  Will my love be stronger than the pain he caused? Am I a good enough mom? How will I afford any of this? How do I face my fears, acknowledge them, and let them go? How do I trust that the world will be here for us when the world has felt so dark?

Darkness. Everywhere things just feel dark. How could all of this happen? What did I do to deserve this? How do you keep faith in humanity when things keep going wrong. Consistently, irreparably wrong? I have always been a positive person. Looking on the bright side. Trusting the good in people. In the world. Little by little, the world is changing me. How do I stop it from changing me? How do I stop from becoming dark myself?

I tried to be brave for you. To think of the beautiful birth you would have. Would you be born wide awake and curious like your sister? Huge and quiet with one eye open like your oldest brother? Or would you sleep through a fast and furious birth like your youngest brother? I imagined wearing you in a wrap and nursing you. I imagined rocking you and holding you and our quiet days together, when your siblings were with their dad.

Were you the little girl we’ve all been hoping and waiting for? The sister that’s been longed for? Were you going to teach me that I am stronger and braver than I give myself credit for? Would you show us with your beautiful smile, your sweet grasping hands, those deep soulful eyes, and that indescribable baby smell that despite the darkness in the world, that each amazing, beautiful life possesses the power to bring meaning and light?

I will never know the answers to those questions. Your little heart stopped beating and you, my brave, sweet baby, with your short powerful life, will leave me forever wondering about you. Missing you. Loving you.

I am thankful that you have been spared the fears and possibilities that I agonized over. I am grateful and relieved and yet pained with guilt, remorse, pain, and loss. But above absolutely anything else… I love you.

-Mom

Lullaby Sweet Baby

It’s taken me a long time to find the desire and time to post on the blog again but I am finally starting to get there. On June 14th, 2010 we lost our baby. It was a difficult loss but we were prepared for it when we were not able to find the heartbeat and subsequently nothing on ultrasound. My body finally recognized what was going on and I naturally miscarried around what would have been 16 weeks of pregnancy all though the ultrasound technician believes our baby stopped developing at 8 weeks. We opted to miscarry naturally, and it did happen, but I wound up with a serious hemorrhage due to a retained placenta and was rushed to the ER via ambulance for an emergency D&C. It was a pretty scary experience. The amount of blood was overwhelming. There were times, especially in the ambulance, where I had fleeting moments of worry on whether or not I would make it through…especially when they hooked me up with all the wires and pulled out the defibrillator and had it ready.

This is the second child we have lost and it only gets emotionally overwhelming when I think of the fact that only half of our children are living. It is both a thought that makes me thankful and grateful for the two precious and wonderful beings we’ve been entrusted with and also sad and grieving for the two that we will not get to share this lifetime with.

Spiritually I am doing fine with it all. I trust in God’s plan, his love, kindness and mercy. I am not angry or bitter all though I do wonder “why”? But then I just let go and decide I don’t need to know why.

I still haven’t picked a name for the baby we’ve lost but I would like to share a song that brings me great comfort. During my pregnancy the kids and I came across a lullaby CD that became the one that we listen to every night as they go to sleep. There was one particular song that I really loved and planned on singing to our new baby when it was born. Now every time I hear the song it reminds me of our precious little one that we lost but it gives me strength and peace as well. In my own mind when I sing the song I have changed the words of  “my” and “I’ll” to “His” and “He’ll” referring to our Heavenly Father.

Lullaby Sweet Baby

(lyrics adapted from Michael Poirier’s Tumbleweed CD)

Lullaby sweet baby, lullaby little one

Though our time together has just begun

The wind outside is blowing but your safe now in His arms

Lullaby sweet baby He’ll keep you from harm.

Right outside the window is the new moon on the rise

I can see it’s reflection shining clear in your eyes

Lullaby sweet baby, lullaby little one

Though our time together has just begun

The wind outside is blowing but your safe now in His arms

Lullaby sweet baby He’ll keep you from harm.

Right outside the window is the new moon on the rise

I can see it’s reflection shining clear in your eyes


Lullaby sweet baby, lullaby little one

Though our time together is just begun

The wind outside is blowing but your safe now in His arms

Lullaby sweet baby, He’ll keep you from harm.

Lullaby sweet baby, He’ll keep you from harm.

Oh, lullaby sweet baby, He’ll keep you from harm.


Ironically, it is days like today when the loss is hardest. We had a wonderful and beautiful day celebrating Garrett’s 2nd Birthday today. It was such a perfect day but experiencing joys like this with our kids makes it only that much more painful knowing that the two we have lost we can not share those experiences with. I found myself in tears at the end of this evening just realizing that there would be no joyous Birthday celebrations, that there were missing squeals and shouts of joys and overzealous laughter as all the kids go tromping through the house, even that there would be no tears to wipe away. I know that they are spared so much of this life that is bitter and difficult but I ache for the experiences I can not have with them or that their siblings can not have with them. I am thankful for eternity, for God’s marvelous plan of salvation and the blessing of eternal families.