Lullaby Sweet Baby

It’s taken me a long time to find the desire and time to post on the blog again but I am finally starting to get there. On June 14th, 2010 we lost our baby. It was a difficult loss but we were prepared for it when we were not able to find the heartbeat and subsequently nothing on ultrasound. My body finally recognized what was going on and I naturally miscarried around what would have been 16 weeks of pregnancy all though the ultrasound technician believes our baby stopped developing at 8 weeks. We opted to miscarry naturally, and it did happen, but I wound up with a serious hemorrhage due to a retained placenta and was rushed to the ER via ambulance for an emergency D&C. It was a pretty scary experience. The amount of blood was overwhelming. There were times, especially in the ambulance, where I had fleeting moments of worry on whether or not I would make it through…especially when they hooked me up with all the wires and pulled out the defibrillator and had it ready.

This is the second child we have lost and it only gets emotionally overwhelming when I think of the fact that only half of our children are living. It is both a thought that makes me thankful and grateful for the two precious and wonderful beings we’ve been entrusted with and also sad and grieving for the two that we will not get to share this lifetime with.

Spiritually I am doing fine with it all. I trust in God’s plan, his love, kindness and mercy. I am not angry or bitter all though I do wonder “why”? But then I just let go and decide I don’t need to know why.

I still haven’t picked a name for the baby we’ve lost but I would like to share a song that brings me great comfort. During my pregnancy the kids and I came across a lullaby CD that became the one that we listen to every night as they go to sleep. There was one particular song that I really loved and planned on singing to our new baby when it was born. Now every time I hear the song it reminds me of our precious little one that we lost but it gives me strength and peace as well. In my own mind when I sing the song I have changed the words of  “my” and “I’ll” to “His” and “He’ll” referring to our Heavenly Father.

(lyrics adapted from Michael Poirier’s Tumbleweed CD)

Lullaby sweet baby, lullaby little one

Though our time together has just begun

The wind outside is blowing but your safe now in His arms

Lullaby sweet baby He’ll keep you from harm.

Right outside the window is the new moon on the rise

I can see it’s reflection shining clear in your eyes

Lullaby sweet baby, lullaby little one

Though our time together has just begun

The wind outside is blowing but your safe now in His arms

Lullaby sweet baby He’ll keep you from harm.

Right outside the window is the new moon on the rise

I can see it’s reflection shining clear in your eyes

Lullaby sweet baby, lullaby little one

Though our time together is just begun

The wind outside is blowing but your safe now in His arms

Lullaby sweet baby, He’ll keep you from harm.

Lullaby sweet baby, He’ll keep you from harm.

Oh, lullaby sweet baby, He’ll keep you from harm.

Ironically, it is days like today when the loss is hardest. We had a wonderful and beautiful day celebrating Garrett’s 2nd Birthday today. It was such a perfect day but experiencing joys like this with our kids makes it only that much more painful knowing that the two we have lost we can not share those experiences with. I found myself in tears at the end of this evening just realizing that there would be no joyous Birthday celebrations, that there were missing squeals and shouts of joys and overzealous laughter as all the kids go tromping through the house, even that there would be no tears to wipe away. I know that they are spared so much of this life that is bitter and difficult but I ache for the experiences I can not have with them or that their siblings can not have with them. I am thankful for eternity, for God’s marvelous plan of salvation and the blessing of eternal families.